Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Acts of Charity

Megan Fox's the next Angelina Jolie???

The great Angelina Jolie (aka Saint Angie) descends from the sky in search of her replacement.

"I require someone who is everything I stand for- beautiful, smart, kind and most importantly- have good taste when it comes to adopting children."

Many have tried, but failed.


Too fat.

Jessica Simpson

Too dumb.


Too crazy.


Almost screwed up her kid adoption.

Having grown restless, she sits at her throne awaiting the next brave soul who seeks to replace her duties as the goddess the media (and children of africa) worships.

"Now who stands before me?"

"Its me, Angelina. Megan Fox."

"Im here to audition for the role of this decade's new saint."

"Very well, Miss Fox."

"Oh btw, call me Highness."

"We aren't that familiar."

"Let's begin. The first test- do you have tattoos on your body?"

"Yes your highness. I came prepared with eight."

"And one on my crotch has my ex-fiance's name, Brian on it."

Brian? As in Brian Austin Green? The crap actor from 90210?

You have poor taste in men.

Fortunately so do I.

Brad Pitt: "Should have stuck with Jen".

"Everyone either wants to be me, or do me."

"How much of a sex symbol are you?

"Well, I am FHM's and Maxim's sexiest woman of the year in 2008, runner-up in 2009."

Cheryl Cole: "Im the sexiest bitch alive!"

"haha looks like you lost out to Cheryl Cole this year."

"bitch, please. you weren't even in the top ten."

"Any recent acts of charity?

You know Im really into the whole humanitarian thing.

Shoots.... does having sex with Brian count?

No one really likes him.

Now that's REAL charity.

"Ok lastly, hows your acting career coming along?"

"Well I did Transformers, and Jennifer's Body."

"Oooo... Jennifer's Body?

Tell me more about it.

"In the film, I play Jennifer, a real popular girl who turned evil and started eating guys. She also stole her best friend's boyfriend. Well in the end, she got stabbed to death by her friend."

St Angie: "Hmm... in other words Jennifer is a bitch who steals men and ends up dying a horrible death?"

"Well..pretty much, I guess?"

"You pass."

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Twilight the Movie


The movie about blood suckers who bloody suck!

(Sorry for the lame pun.)

Bella: "Mum, now that you have a new and exciting life with another man, are you sure you don't want me to be part of it?"

Rene: "Er, not really.

Bella: "Won't you miss me?"

Rene: "Yeah wadever. Go live with your father in that creepy small town. "


"Finally I can lead my own life."

Cannot b e l i e v e there's no WALMART in this damn town.

Im sooo unpopular at school.

No one gets me.

Everyone is so into pop music and fashion

and Im into vampires and creepy forests.

Argh no one's ever going to be my friend.

lemme go explore the creepy looking woods alone.

Oh its a deer!

Would you be my friend?


Argh something smells gross.

Oh its a smelly guy.

Bella: "Hi im bella. I just moved here."

Smelly guy: "Im edward. I hold a dark secret that I can't tell you what it is.

Bella: "Just wondering...

do you ever bathe?

Cos all of a sudden you are like 1 feet from me and..."

Edward: "Do you want to know my secret?"

Bella: "Not really. Its your secret and Im cool with that.

Edward: "But Im really mysterious...

aren't you even a little curious

about what Im hiding?

Bella: "Er, firstly, I just got to know you.

Secondly, you did say its a secret.

"Im a 108 year old vampire."


"Ok that totally explains the smell."

"You are really pretty."

You remind me of my first love, Cher.

Thats 90 years ago, when she was 16.

"I think I might actually fall in love with you

which might get tricky

cos it means that i will start craving for blood.

"Well does it mean you have to suck blood from my neck?

Cos if its just blood you need...

I am having my period.


I need fresh blood of a hot, beautiful virgin.

Bella: "Like Miley?"

Edward: " Er I did specify hot, beautiful AND virgin..."

(Finally some ventillation)

I got an idea...

Back in school the next day...

"Hey hot, young virgin, Im having a party in the creepy woods tonight.

You so totally got to be there."

"OMG! Let's all go!"



HAPPY 2010!